My Wong Lo Kat herbal tea is bitter. I'm not talking chicory-java bitter; this is undrinkably bitter. It literally tastes like poison. Some ancient sage thousands of years ago tried these herbs, said, "Tastes poisonous!" and figured it must have some healing properties.

The instant packettes have a picture of an old Chinese man (bald, with a long white beard - maybe the creator of this herb company?) The listing of contents sounds like a report from the FDA on a tainted water outbreak: microcos paniculata; cratoxylon ligustrinum BL. I mean, don't those sound deadly? "Just a few millimeters per parts-per-billion of paniculata can kill!"

Plus though it's distributed through Hong Kong, the label clearly says Product of China. I told Scott if I start acting odd or God forbid am found unconscious, to have them test me for melamine poisoning.

I told Zhang the acupuncturist: "That tea was bitter! How do people drink that bitter tea? It's so bitter!" She didn't even try to pretend she didn't know what I was talking about. I remember Chinese friends telling me when they got sick their moms would force them to take handfuls of super-bitter, nauseating concoctions. The cureall for stomachache is a handful of those teeny silver pellets that look like cake decorations. Tastes horrible, cures all.

Supposedly this tea has "CANE SUGAR - trace" in it, but I'm doubtful. Why even bother putting a trace in? It still tastes like poison. I literally feel the bitterness in my arms through to the elbows. This week's herb is about a dozen teeny little brownish-black wads of herbs. I have trouble swallowing pills but Zhang told me to try. They are teeny and I'm sure I can do it, but honestly, I'm afraid. I still can't get the bitter taste off the roof of my mouth from the Wong Lo Kat experience.

"You need bitter! You have too much sweet," she told me. As if I didn't already know I have a killer sweet tooth. "A sweet Jones," my friend D calls it. And it's true. Eva and Jane earn back their goody bags from last week's birthday party this afternoon (long story; they were very naughty) and I don't know how to break it to them that the candy is all gone. Nothing's left but the lipgloss in the shape of giant lips. Which is probably made in China, and probably contains poison. It's all too much, isn't it?

I was clipping coupons and found one for something called Allo Spa. Strange name (makes me think, "Allo? Allo?") but they offer a one hour foot massage with reflexology for only $25. Maybe we can throw something bitter into a foot bath for me a la those "detoxification" demonstrations that seem to be everywhere now. (I want those stick-on pads! I saw them at Linens 'n' Things for $19.99 and that price seemed a little high, though. I'm sure they'll hit Big Lots or the Dollar Store soon.) But for now, I admit I'm tempted to test out the healing properties of reflexology next...